I am pissed off

COLUMN

A semi-honest release of anger

Words by & illustration by James Trundle


I am pissed off with those who hate tourists and call themselves travellers, just because they have a backpack and wear bloody Birkenstock.  

I am pissed off with those who speak during a movie and I am pissed off with those who look at you furiously because you are doing some soft petting in the cinema.

I am pissed off with those who chew with their mouth open and I am pissed off with those who get mad when you, accidentally, spit at them while passionately arguing.

I am pissed off with boyfriends who interfere and I am pissed off with those girlfriends that mirror the stereotype of the henpecked wifey.

I am pissed with those old people that believe to know it better because they were around during World War II. I am pissed off with those young people that think they know it all just because they once took some pills.

I am pissed off with those fucking flatmates who leave the sink full of dirty dishes. I am pissed off with those flatmates that leave the last sheet of toilet paper and do not bother to grab the new roll. I am pissed off when I realise all of this while pooping. I am pissed off with those who leave the Nutella jar only with a pale gloss to scrape.

I am pissed off with Project Managers and their spreadsheets, don’t even get me started on why. I am pissed off with radical chic, with pretend-to-be hippies and with I-am-better-than-you hipsters. I am pissed off with fitting and not fitting in. I am pissed off with definition and identification.

I am pissed off with selfie sticks and I am pissed off when I can’t take a decent selfie. I am pissed off with Facebook status and with food porn shots. I am pissed off with those who open Facebook once a month. Do me a favour, delete yourself.

I am pissed off with open-minded types that appreciate criticism. Those for whom everything-is-fine-if-doesn’t-hurt-someone-else. Those light-hearted people that, under the skin, hide a revolver. I am pissed off with an infallible coherence. I am pissed off with those who make a point of their incoherence.

I am pissed off with those who carry buggies on the tube and expect me to help them up the stairs. I am pissed off with those relatives that ask me when am I going to give them babies. I am pissed off with my auntie when she ask me why haven’t I met anyone yet. I am pissed off with those family dinner looks are-you-a-lesbian?.

I am pissed off with pubic hair. I am pissed off with public hair that sticks between teeth. I am pissed off with those who complain about my armpit hair. I am pissed off with those men who pee all over toilet seats.

I am pissed off with the zero-alcohol cocktails. I am pissed off with those who only care about getting smashed.

I am pissed off with going out without commitment. Those that say ‘let’s see each other, but only with people”. I am pissed off with love-cowards.

I am pissed off with those all-couples dinners when I am the only single one. I am pissed off with those all-girls nights when the only thing we do is look for men.

I’m pissed off with those sitting next to me with their legs opened taking half of my seat: your dick is not that big. I’m pissed with those who press it against my lower back when we sleep together.

I am pissed off with myself for being so pissed when I couldn’t care less.

But most of all, I am pissed off with those writers who know how to write a smart conclusion (or a closing punchline).

*image courtesy of Maria Viale